Seriously? I Can't Take Much More

Why is it that when things are going well in my life, everything is going well; and when things get shitty, everything is shitty? I'm a strong woman. I see that and am willing to admit it, finally. But seriously, I cannot handle everything in my life crumbling at the same time.

You know I'm in a bad mood when I can't find anything to listen to on my iPod. I've turned on at least half a dozen things and keep changing my mind.

I feel like I'm totally inconsolable and it sucks. All I want to do is cry, and I can't even seem to do that without serious provocation. Ok, that's a lie. I have been on the verge of tears for the last 48 hours, but everytime I want to lose control, I can't because I'm in public. When I'm home, I've got nothing.

The house I found at Daybreak is a no-go. Too expensive and not conducive living spaces. I've been pretty apprehensive to look at anything more lately, but I went with my realtor on Tuesday night and saw a few places. I found a place I like but my mom thinks it's inconvenient. Well, unless I move to fucking Tooele (for those of you not from Utah, it's about 45 miles from where I currently live) I'm not going to find anything in my price range that is going to work. Yes, I'm exaggerating a bit here, but humor me, please.

I told my mom I was frustrated with it all and the money and everything and she relayed that to my dad. So what does he do? He comes home last night and lays into me. He's taken on the victim mentality lately and he needs to get the fuck over it. Yes, he said he'd help me. Great. Awesome. When I reminded him about telling me he'd give me $1,000 he told me I was crazy. Well I'm sorry, but I didn't fucking dream the conversation.

So yeah, I got yelled at while I made dinner last night. Nice. And yes, I'm 29 years old and still get yelled at by my dad. Pretty fucking sad, isn't it? And no, there isn't much I can do about it. Other than move out, which in case you forgot from the last paragraph I'm working on, I get to take it. It's hard to explain the way things work in my family, and being that my dad is from another country and the customs are entirely different, I'm not even going to try. It's a waste of my time.

Sorry if my writing isn't making any sense, but I'm just on a rant and am trying to get it out.

On top of everything else, I'm 99.9% sure things are over with Scott (Mr.S). The last time we texted was on Saturday night. I sent him a text on Wednesday afternoon to say hi, and I still have not heard anything back from him. Seriously? I don't get it. I thought things were going well. Granted we had only met in person once, but he said he wanted to get together after my trips. Well, guess what? I'm home!

This is the exact reason I hate dating, hate putting myself out there, and hate being vulnerable. I was going to say that more often than not, I get rejected. But that's not even close to how it is. I don't just get rejected. I don't even get the decency to be told that "he just isn't that into me." You know what? I can take it. Tell me things aren't going to work. Tell me there isn't any chemistry. But don't leave me sitting here wondering what the fuck happened. It's nearly impossible for me not to think there isn't something inherently wrong with me as a person at this point.

I'm just about to my breaking point and I don't know how much longer I can hold on without losing it. It's too much. All I want to do is sleep for the next couple of months. I'll wake up after that and reassess the situation.