A Few Photos of My Grandpa

Holy Shit, What a Week!

My brain is a constant jumble of things that are coming up, things I've gotta do, things I've forgotten, and things that are going to be on my to-do list very shortly.

For instance, on Sunday night, I didn't get home until 12:30 AM. I think I left my house around 1 PM. I didn't stop all day. Running errands, going to Grandma's house, and I can't even remember what else at this point.

Yesterday, I stayed home most of the day, and started running errands later in the afternoon. There is a new Home Goods store that opened literally five minutes from my house and that's where I started... bad idea. I went in for hangers, came out having spent $120! But it was stuff I needed for the house! Lots of good deals. I took lunch over to my grandma and ended up staying at her house helping her out for 4 hours! I grabbed dinner with Noelle at 8:30, came home and crashed!

I remembered last night that I still haven't gone over to the hospital to pick up my grandpa's teeth. Yes, you read that right. His teeth were left behind in one of the five rooms he was in while at the hospital, and I was elected the lucky one to go pick them up. No problem, except that I forgot about picking them up. Nice.

I have to make a trip over to the mortuary to get the copies of my grandpa's obituary that they printed and laminated for us. Not to mention, someone will have to pick up his ashes. I'm sure my grandma will want to do that.

We've also got to get all the pictures together for the video that my wonderful friend, Odum, has agreed to put together for my family. We've been working on those for 3 days! Getting down to the deadline here! Oh, and don't forget all the info/text that needs to go into the program for the evening of the wake (Celebration of Life). We haven't even started on that stuff.

Last, but not least, I've gotta make lunch for my grandma's Bridge ladies that are going over to her house on Thursday afternoon. This is in addition to the two meals I was planning on making for dinner this week. Guess I'll just make it all at the same time. I'm going to be cooking most of tomorrow night, so if you can't find me, I'll be in the kitchen. Sadly, I've let the cat out of the bag that I actually CAN cook and it's all over for me now.

That's it for now... pray for me and wish me luck... getting to Sunday in one piece is my goal!

I'm Going To Miss My Papa

We lost my grandpa yesterday. He passed away at approximately 2:00 PM on July 28, 2011.

We knew things were looking sketchy at best yesterday afternoon and decided to call the family to be there with him. My grandma had been sitting in his room with him for a while and came out to the waiting area for a little breather and a drink. We were all sitting around the table right outside his door having a good laugh and my mom had a strange feeling, walked into his room and found that he had finally let go. I'm surprised it happened that quickly though because while I was holding his hand earlier, I noticed how strongly I could feel his pulse in his wrist. That man had a very strong and loving heart. (That's not the greatest pic, but it's the only one I can find quickly.)

I said I had a feeling he was going to wait until we'd all left him alone. He did this on his terms. He didn't want to die in front of any of us. He could hear that we were all together, laughing and enjoying each others' company and decided he was finally ready to let go. He was surrounded by his family the last two weeks and knows how much we all love him and each other and decided he felt comfortable leaving us to take care of each other.

I'm going to miss him so incredibly much, but I'm so comforted by the fact that he's no longer fighting that god damn disease. He's finally at peace. I'm thankful he was able to recover enough and live this long after the initial diagnosis 6 years ago, but he fought everyday to live his life. I imagine after fighting that long, you'd get tired of it, but he never complained, once. He deserves some peace now.

We're going to have a celebration of his life on August 7th in the evening at the Old Mill Golf Club if anyone is interesting in coming. I'm sure I'll be back with more about my Papa in the next week or so. And thanks for all the kind words from all my bloggy friends. It means so much to me!

Hospice Care

We decided to put my grandpa in Inpatient Hospice Care on Saturday afternoon and I think that's when it all got very real for me.

Initially, Papa went to the emergency room on July 14th and was diagnosed with pneumonia. The doctors admitted him to the medical floor that evening and he spent the next couple of days (with one room change) trying to get better. On Sunday, things started to decline and when I went to see my parents that night, my dad told me he didn't think he would make it much longer. By Monday afternoon, my grandpa's condition had declined so much that he was admitted to the ICU and put on a ventilator. I thought for sure we'd lose him that night.

Tuesday came along and everything was as stable as it could be. Wednesday was the same. By Thursday the doctors talked about taking him off the ventilator, and on Friday afternoon they did. He wasn't oxygenating well on his own, but seemed to rebound a little later on. I thought we'd lose him that night, too. He was stable throughout Friday night and on Saturday, ICU decided they couldn't do anything more for him and moved him back to the medical floor.

My grandpa had pretty horrible care at St. Marks Hospital and we're all pretty shocked at how badly he was treated. I guess because in his living will he has a DNR order, the doctors and nurses figured he didn't deserve to be cared for.

Because we know he's close to the end, and didn't want to subject him to further frustrations, we decided to move him over to inpatient hospice care. My aunt Carrie's father-in-law was in hospice and they had a wonderful experience, so we decided on The Residence at Care Source. We moved him over here on Saturday afternoon, and honestly, none of us expected him to stay with us this long. He's off his oxygen, his meds and everything, and told us on Sunday that he's ready to go. The little fart is stubborn as hell though, and he's still hanging on.

Watching someone go through the dying process is probably the most heart-wrenching thing anyone can experience. Especially if it's someone you love. I think it's awesome we've all been able to spend time with him and say our goodbyes, but my god, it's been hard. So unbelievably hard.

All I can do now is spend time with him, tell him I love him and hope and pray that he passes peacefully and without struggle. I love him so very much. He's been such a great man and support in my life and I'm going to miss him so much.

My Papa Means the World to Me

Lots going on around here in the changes department and not all of it is good.

My grandpa went into the hosptial on Thursday morning with pneumonia. He was doing really well when I visited with him on Friday, and by Saturday, he wasn't feeling great. I didn't see him yesterday but from the news I was given, he started off the morning really well and kind of declined later into the afternoon and early evening. By last night, the docs had decided to start him back on his rounds of antibiotics and start treating him with Lasix to get some of the fluid out of his lungs. First thing I heard this morning was that he was going to be placed on a ventilator for a short while to give his body a break. He's been working so hard to breathe that it's wearing him out. For whatever reason, they didn't intubate him this morning and he was on his own all day. By the time I went in to sit with him this evening at 6 PM, he didn't look well and it didn't seem like he was even there. By 6:30 the nurse said we needed to make sure the family was there (as in, the entire family) and she had called in pastoral care. They were moving him to ICU because he seemed to be going downhill fast. They got him transferred, the family made it to the hospital and we stood around and waited to hear what was and would be happening. Basically, they've got him sedated and he's on the ventilator for the next couple of days. He's got one nurse (her name is Tiffany) on with him tonight and she seems very competent. I wish I could say the same thing about the nurses he's had the last few days. Tiffany told us all to go home and get some rest because he was sedated, she's taking care of him, and she'll call us if anything changes.

So, there you go... my Monday in a nutshell. It fucking sucked.
Death and dying blows.
I've been crying since 6 PM and see no end to that in the near future.
We should all just be able to poof! it when our time is done. This bullshit with illness and cancer and dementia and disease just needs to go away. It doesn't do anything but make people hurt.

Please send your thoughts, prayers, good vibes and whatever else you can this way... my family needs it right now.