I Want To Be a Loser

I'm half-tempted to re-start my weight loss blog. Maybe I can do weekly updates. If I do, I'll keep it private and invite people to read it.... half because I don't want the world to see it, and half because I'm not so sure that many people would be interested. Let me know if you're interested in keeping tabs on me...

Weight is not something I've really ever discussed on my blog and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I think that if I don't think/talk/write about it, it will all just miraculously go away. Or maybe because I'm too much of a coward. I don't know.

I think it might also have to do with the fact that my blog showcases me for who I am... and has nothing to do with what I look like. Except for all the pictures I choose to post. This allows me to control how much of me you see and get to know. And really, you're getting pretty much all of it... you see me when I'm happy, sad, raw, angry, and neurotically obsessed. You get all of the emotions - those I never hold back. But you haven't ever really seen the most tender part of me. Why I decided to start writing this 15 minutes ago is beyond me, but I am. I guess I'm reaching out, because at this point, I feel like I need all the support I can get.

I saw my therapist last week (yes I have a therapist, and yes I see her regularly, and yes I adore her - I think I've mentioned this before) and had a weight-related Coming To Jesus talk. Since I'm not religious and I tend to have a lot of revelations while in therapy, I should rename them Coming to LaDonna talks. Anyway... she said something to me that really hit home. I can't remember the exact words she said, and I'm not going to share them with you because they're private (and I don't pay her so you can reap the benefits) but they really resonated with me. And it was more because she just laid things out on the table and didn't try to make me feel better about it. Basically, she said it's time to shit or get off the pot.

No one can make me happy but me, and while I've said this over and over in the past, it finally means something. Not that it didn't have meaning before, but it's a lot more relevant at this point in my life. I'm 29 years old. I've done all (well, most) of the things a single girl can do. I had fun in high school. I went to college and got a Bachelor's degree. I worked, dated and played for a few years. I went back to school to pursue a Master's degree. I completed that last year and got a great job. I own my car and am in the process of trying to buy a house.

The last major item on my list of things to do is get married and maybe have a kid, or two. Now all I have to do is find a wonderful man to share the rest of my life with. While some people may say this is the last item on their list of things to do, it's at the top of mine. And the only thing standing in my way is my weight, for two reasons: 1) I let my weight and all my issues surrounding it hold me back, and 2) Men are not attracted to big girls. And as much as I'd like to say "Fuck You!" to all the men who judge me for what I look like and aren't attracted to me for who I am, it's not going to get me anywhere. This is who I am. I've let this stand in my way for far too long and it's time to get my shit in gear.

I don't think this is going to be easy by any means, but I also don't think it's going to be as hard as it used to be. The thing is, it doesn't have to be hard (I'm just trying to channel LaDonna here). This is no longer something that I need to do. It's not an agenda item anymore. This is now my number one priority in obtaining my ultimate happiness. My weight is the only thing standing between me and the next couple of big goals on my list, and I really don't want to die without having fulfilled them!

Well, there you have it... (see what happens when I don't post for 4 days) All of me on a platter for your viewing pleasure. Please be gentle...