I Should Be Saying I'm Thankful But I'm Just Fucking Mad

Have you ever been so angry all you want to do is scream, cry and stomp your feet? But you're so beyond angry that you can't seem to get anything out? I'm at that point right now and I want to either go run around the block 100 times or punch the wall or throw something. But instead of being destructive, I'm cleaning. Better to channel my energy in positive ways, I guess.

So here's the thing. I'm fucking sick and tired of living with my brother. I love him with all my heart, but he's making me lose my fucking mind. I will be the first to admit that I am not the cleanest person in the world. I make messes and don't always clean up after myself right away. I've left dishes in the sink for days on end, I've left a piles of stuff all over the house and not picked them up for weeks. But never once have I asked my brother to clean up after me. He might have done the dishes, half of which were mine... or moved a pile of my crap from one place to another, but never actually done any cleaning on my behalf.

There was a pile of dishes in the sink starting last weekend before I left for OKC. They were still in the sink when I got home from OKC, and they continued to sit in the sink until I washed them by hand yesterday afternoon. In addition to scrubbing all the shit off of the dishes in the sink, I scrubbed all of our glasses and some pans and utensils with vinegar because we've got such hard water, our dishes always look dirty and gross. So, two hours later, the dishes were done. Today I asked him 75 times to empty the dishwasher. The dishwasher that was full of HIS dirty dishes. Did he? Of course not.

I spent most of the day today cleaning and cooking because I invited my parents over for dinner tonight. I figured it would be nice for them not to have to worry about dinner while they were preparing for Thanksgiving tomorrow. And since yesterday was my dad's birthday and we didn't get to take him out because of the storm, I thought it would be nice to celebrate his birthday. On top of that, this was the first time I've invited my parents over for dinner since we moved into this house. I feel badly because we've been here for a year and they keep asking when I'm going to invite them over and cook. I was hoping tonight would kind of be a special night with the fam. On top of that, I was trying to be accomodating of everyone's schedules because Dad had to work late and my brother had a concert to go to.

In the meantime, my brother ate a late lunch so he wasn't hungry for dinner and then his pseudo-girlfriend came over while I was cooking. About 15 minutes before my parents were to arrive, she came downstairs and said that I had made her day because she was starving and was sooo excited to eat! Um, I'm sorry, I'm making dinner for my family. We're having a family dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday... family dinner does not generally include random friends joining us at the table. I know I sound like a ginormous bitch right now, but I'm pissed.

So she sat down and ate dinner with us. And it was awkward. She sat and had coversation with my brother and was loud and obnoxious. It was weird. And I'm angry.

After everyone was finished, my parents offered to help me clean up, empty the dishwasher, etc.. Of course I said no.... they have enough to do at home. So I emptied the dishwasher. Yeah, the one I incessantly asked my brother to empty 75 times earlier in the day... and twice since my parents had gotten here.

When everyone left and I was sitting on the couch seething, I decided I needed to run an errand. (Let's be honest here, I felt the need to spend money, because when I'm angry, instead of eating, I tend to blow my wad... and I wanted to get a decoration for the little ledge in the landing in the stairs.) By the time I got home, he had already left for his concert, but the pseudo-GF was still here. (A little backstory... she's his ex-GF... they're not "together" anymore, but they spend a lot of time together and are "good friends.")

It royally pisses me off that she spends time at MY house (we both own the house, but that's besides the point) when he's not even here. She does it all the time and I'm done. Sometimes you just want to have some alone time in your own fucking space. Is that really too much to ask? It's really hard when you feel like you have to watch every move you make because you have a guest. Who isn't even really your guest, but just some extra person in your house. Eating your food out of your fridge. Coming and going as they please. And smoking pot whenever the urge arises. I've fucking had it.

The clencher is that if I had one of my friends, especially some guy, chillin' at my house during the day while I was at work, or out with my friends, my brother would flip the fuck out. Bottom line, it wouldn't happen. And it's not even like she has no where else to go. She lives at home with her family (who are middle to upper-middle class) in a nice house with all the amenities she needs. Why she feels the need to "live" here part-time is beyond me.

Yes, I've talked to my brother about helping me around the house. I do it on a weekly, if not daily basis. And he usually says he'll be better about helping, but that's just to appease me. He never follows through. And No, I haven't talked to him about her being here when he's not home. But I'm going to. Because it's not ok. It's just one of those conversations that is going to be awkward and I don't really want to have it. And that's mostly because I feel like I shouldn't have to have it. But whatever. This is my life. I have to make things happen so that I am happy.