The One Where I Am Stuck In Bed and Can't Pee By Myself

This is gonna be a long one...but I'll tell you where I've been...

It's times like these that I think I need an iPad with a screen to type on instead of a damn keyboard.  These times being the ones when I throw out my back/hip, get stuck in bed for 5 days and can't stand to sit for more than 15 minutes at a time without causing severe pain, and thus have to type a blog post while lying down and holding the laptop on my prone body.  You're jealous, I know. 

My hip has been on the fritz for the last few weeks.  I suspect the reason being that I've spent a lot of time sitting at the kitchen table working and crafting my life away.  And my kitchen chairs, while comfortable, are not in any way ergonomic.  I'd have been working in my home office, but it's easier to sit downstairs with the dogs while they run around and slowly drive me insane instead of running up and down the stairs every 5 minutes.  Looking back, I should have put the dogs in the kennel, shut myself in my office, plopped my tush in my fabulous office chair, and worked my days away in there.  Oh well.  Too late for that!

Last Wednesday night I was working on my effing apron (that's what it'll be referred to as from here on out) and sitting at my kitchen table at the sewing machine.  As I got up from the table my hip and part of my lower back started to lock up.  I tried walking back and forth from the kitchen to the family room to help it settle down, but it apparently had its own agenda. At 11 PM I ended up on the couch and had to have my dear friend Jessica fetch things for me and put me to bed because I wasn't able to move.  I spent the night on the couch, eventually was able to roll onto my side, and by 7 AM was finally able to make it up the stairs to my bed. 

I spent the next seven hours in bed, took a conference call, and made contact with my doctor's office.  The doc called in a muscle relaxer to the pharmacy for me and my mom picked it up.  She and my dad were on their way to the airport and dropped my drugs off to me on their way.  I was able to walk downstairs and meet them at the door and figured walking back up wouldn't be an issue.  Boy, was I wrong.  I got to the top of the stairs while shooing the dogs out of the way, took a few steps into my room and that's when things went from bad to OHMYFUCKINGHELLITHINKI'MGOINGTODIE!  Everything in my lower back and right hip locked up, went into a full muscle spasm and subsequently put me in bed for the next four days.  Before I walked up the stairs, I put the remote, my phone and my prescription in my purse to carry it all up with me.  I dropped my purse on the floor when I got into my room and wasn't able to bend over to pick it up.  My phone (my only lifeline to anyone) was not within my reach.  I had no access to the drugs that might potentially help me out of this bind, and I couldn't walk.  Awesome.  On top of that, the dogs were out of their kennel and I could only imagine the damage the puppy was going to do to the house. 

I somehow made it over to my bed, and thank all that is holy, my brother came home for lunch literally 5 minutes later and I screamed for him to help me.  I was hysterical, in so much pain, and was completely immobile.  I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.  He helped me get situated and then had to go back to work.  He put the dogs in their kennels and I was thankfully able to sleep for the next couple of hours.  I woke up around 6 PM and the puppy proceeded to cry and whine for almost the next 2.5 hours.  I couldn't get out of bed to let her out or comfort her and it broke my heart. 

Jessica, Kasian and Brittany came over around 9 PM and were set on taking me to the ER.  I would very willingly have gone except 1) I couldn't actually move to get out of bed, and 2) The only thing the ER would have done was put me on pain meds which I cannot tolerate.  I called the answering service for my doctor and spoke with the doc on-call.  He confirmed my thoughts about the ER, told me to rest, use heat, take ibuprofen and call my doc in the morning.  We tried calling Auri but she was at work and I didn't have her work number.  The three of them helped me get comfy and Jess stayed with me until I fell asleep.  I seriously have the greatest friends.

Auri called me early Friday morning and was so upset she wasn't able to help me the night before when we called.  Since she worked a night shift she told me she'd sleep her minimum amount of time and then come over and help me that afternoon.  In the meantime (more like Thursday night), I had decided eating and drinking were not an option because I couldn't move, which also means I couldn't get out of bed or get to a bathroom (even though I have an en suite bathroom that is mabye 15 feet from my bed).  I had to call my brother (I figured calling him would wake him up more efficiently than me hollering from my room with the door shut) at 5 AM to try and help me to the bathroom.  I tried, but couldn't support myself with any weight at all and ended up just getting back in bed.  I rang him again around 9, and that time was finally able to go pee.  It wasn't easy, but it was a big relief! 

Later that afternoon, Auri came over and was seriously my angel.  She got me out of bed and helped me shuffle into the bathroom where she stripped me and put me in the shower.  (Believe me, I needed it but was terrified I wouldn't be able to handle it.)  She bathed me from top to bottom and everything in between.  You know it's love when your best friend has to wash your bum for you because you can't do it.  She soaped me up, rinsed me down and dried me off; she got me dressed, put my deodorant on, got me back into bed and even rubbed my arms down with some lavender oil.  I have never felt so helpless yet humble and loved before in my whole life. 

I spent all of Friday, Saturday, Sunday and most of today on my back in bed.  Yeah, totally my idea of a fabulous weekend.   I was finally able to get of of bed Friday night and, get this... walk to the bathroom ALL BY MYSELF!  Once I crossed that hurdle, things started getting a little easier, I think mostly because I knew I could get to where I needed to be.  As long as it was either the toilet or my bed!  Luckily, after Friday night, I started to slowly regain some mobility.  Each 6 hours that passed gave me just a little bit more movement. 

Until you have to contemplate who you'd be willing to call to help you pee while lying in bed, or who you'd ask to wipe your butt, you've never been in a situation like this.

My brother has surprisingly been really great these last few days.  He's checking on me, getting me whatever I need, and taking care of the house.  It's great that he's here, or I'd be in a world of hurt.

Auri came over again last night to shower me and wash my hair.  She truly is an angel.  She loofahed me, combed out my hair, emptied my garbages, vacuumed my room, and lord knows what else while she was here.  She is the best friend ANYONE could ever ask for.  (This time I was able to wash my own bottom, thankyouverymuch, so hey, we're making progress!)

I went to see my doctor today and we discussed some options.  She gave me a prescription for some pain meds that are non-narcotic because they make me deathly ill.  Hopefully getting the pain under control will help me start moving around and get this all rehabilitated.  Such a pain in my ass... literally!  The only good thing to come out of all this is that I've lost 10 pounds.  Lying in bed and not eating will do that, I guess!

I'm feeling pretty good as of now, and am really hoping to be even better when I get up in the morning.  I still have pain, but at least I'm mobile.  It's pretty sad though that I'm not terrified of going up the stairs.  I'm gonna have to take that slowly the rest of the week.  I'll be back with an update tomorrow and hopefully something more entertaining than my sob story!