As "they" say, there's a first time for everything, so I thought I'd participate in this blog carnival today. I've been lacking the will/drive/inspiration/energy to post anything worthwhile lately so maybe this will help light a fire under my ass. If not, well then, at least I made the effort. Right? Right.
So... where to start? What to say? How much to divulge? I've had a really hard time the last little while (Ok, who am I kidding? It's been about 12 months...) deciding how much information I'm willing to share regarding certain subjects/people/interests on my blog. The most significant reason for this internal battle is related to my audience. I started this blog because I've always tried keeping a journal, and since I've never been very diligent about getting out the pen and paper, this was the most logical alternative. Ultimately, this is me writing my history. I don't know why I've gotten so wrapped up in what I'm willing to share.
What I'm alluding to is the fact that, because I know who reads my blog, I'm not "allowed" to write about certain people/subjects in my life, and I feel like I haven't been totally honest (with myself). And it's not that I haven't been honest, it's that I've purposely not written about these things (which, I suppose, is being dishonest by withholding information) because 1) I don't want EVERYONE to know EVERYTHING about my life, 2) I don't want to exploit certain relationships I have, and 3) I'm scared of what people might think.
For instance, I used to talk about dating (and how much it sucks) all the damn time. Then, early last year I met someone, and due to the nature of our relationship, I chose not to write about him. Which, in hindsight, is kind of silly, but at the time, I felt like it was what I needed to do. I wish that I wouldn't have censored myself because I want to be able to look back in (1, 5, 10 years) and be reminded of what I learned from that relationship.
Similarly, the older I'm getting, the more I'm realizing that it's ok (and honestly, kind of fun) to have some secrets. Not everyone needs to know everything anymore. For most of my years, I've felt my life was an open book. "Ask me anything and I'll answer you honestly!" What do I have to hide? I've always loved to share all of my experiences with those closest to me, but I really don't feel that way anymore. I've started to value my privacy and it's been quite the experience!
I guess I've also held back writing about certain relationships because I don't necessarily want the person I'm writing about to know exactly how I feel (whether that be good, bad or indifferent) or get offended. Over the last year, I felt like I couldn't use my blog as an outlet to bitch when things weren't going well, or to "glow" when things were. And that is just stupid. It's my blog, damnit! It's not like I would have shared any incriminating evidence...I suppose that's why aliases are used so often in blogland. Although, had I used an alias, he still would have known I was writing about him.
I'm thinking the reason I've been struggling with this so much in the last little while is because I recently met someone that I'm so very interested in and care about... quite a bit (and that doesn't even really begin to describe my feelings for him). Like, I mean, A LOT. As in, Holy Crappola, Batman, what just happened?!?! I've written about him a few times in the last little while, but haven't shared much. Most of that is due to my fear of jinxing things, but part of it is that I don't necessarily want him to wander over here and realize how strong my feelings are for him and cause him to freak out. Or think I'm nuts. Or just turn and walk away. Or all of the above.
But in the grand scheme of life, why the hell does it matter if he (or anyone else) knows how I feel? Huh? Can anyone give me a rational explanation? It's how I feel. I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Why is it so frowned upon to tell someone you love them, hate them, need more of them, or want them out of your life? I need to find the courage to more willingly share my feelings, and quit being afraid to write about my life... as it happens. Not months and months after the fact. Ultimately, I need to feel more free use this blog as my outlet... because that's exactly what it is. 
13 comments:
No one in my real life knows I have a blog for all of the reasons you stated above. I know it would cause too many problems but I need an outlet. I need people who are objective to someone's get advice from. That is why I didn't tell anyone from "real life" that I have blog and why I didn't put my real name. I just didn't want the hassle. It's strange how people think they somehow have a "right" over what other people feel say and/or think when it comes to online. What is the difference between venting online or at the office water cooler? Nothing really except well maybe a few more people knowing.
I don't really use my blog as a bitch-about-someone outlet as much as I used to, now that I know certain friends and family members read it. At some point, it's just about finding the balance between worrying about how others will be affected and being true to yourself. In my case, I think I've just been watching the way I tell a story in a blog post. I might complain about something or someone, but I try to ultimately make it about my own issues, struggles, relationships, etc. That way, I can vent a little but use it as an example. So far, so good. lol
I've hesitated letting friends and family know about my blog for the same reasons you just said. So far, nobody other than my husband knows about it (in real life anyway). I also use mine as an outlet, and I have written about situations with family members.
But the further I go in blogging, the more comfortable I am writing about certain things. Just remember that this is YOUR blog, with YOUR feelings. And nobody has the right to judge you on that!
Mine is my outlet. I've been pretty free with it. But then again, my family and IRL friends don't read it. So, that helps me.
I hope you can figure out a way to get it all out!
I haven't really told my friends and family about my blog. If I knew they were reading, I'd worry more about every little thing I wrote. My husband knows I have one, but doesn't read it. I never told him he couldn't. He's just heard all the stories before. Many times.
I guess it's easier to be brave amongst strangers.
Only very few people in my "real life" know about my blog. Some things I want to say, I want to remain private. That's what a blog is for. Outlet. You should be able to say what you want to say, when you want to say it. In my mind, it's like a journal. And if people don't like what I say, well then too bad. Don't read. That's why I am not too concerned if I have a bunch of people I don't know reading my blog. I just like when my close blog friends do. That's the way I roll. And I don't know this guy, but I don't think he would freak out if he knew how you feel. Guys often like to hear it. Maybe you need to tell him in person?
most people i know in real life know about my blog, most of them only knowing about it because i chose to give them access. unfortunately, my mother has stumbled over my blog and reads it regularly. (ugh!) hubby also knows about my blog though allegedly he doesn't read it.
find out the two of them found my blog caused me to sensor myself more than i already do... but if you know me well enough, you find a lot of me in my stories. ;)
I hold back quite a lot on my blog. Only because my family and friends read.
When they do read something they didn't know about they call and bother me.
Annoying.
I think secrets are good to have. The interwebs don't need to know everything and your partner (or soon to be) will appreciate the privacy too.
There are things that I keep off my blog, too. I suppose it would be different if I had originally set it up anonymously and did not branch out to my blog friends on Facebook and Twitter. Like you said, it's nothing that I'm totally ashamed of, but I suppose I keep things (and names) off my blog out of respect of the people involved.
My rule: if I can't say it to your face, I'm not going to put it on my blog. It's not fair for someone to read about my thoughts of them on the Internet without hearing it from me first.
I love your blog and can totally relate to so many of your concerns. That is one reason I made my blog private. I hated running into somone I barely knew and them telling me that they knew everything about me from my blog. it was weird. However I also used my blog as a journal. Then after my mom died last year I had writers block. There was so many things I wanted to remember but I didn't want to put them out there for everyone to see. I started my very own private blog that only I have access to. It is a place for me to be able to record my feelings, memories, experiences etc, and I can decide if I ever want to share those with anyone else. One of the reasons I decided to do this is because my mom's dad died when she was 28 and since I am now going throu the same experieces I wondered how my mom handled that. did she feel like I do? etc..Anyway, sorry for the long comment.
I have been walking an awkward line lately too, since I'm using my blog as a sort of marketing device to look for a new job, and I don't want prospective employers to be put off. Plus there's a whole other slew of unbloggables.
Maybe I should just start an anonymous one.
I think that I hid so much for so many years that now I am an open book. Sometimes I think I need to scale it back though. I dunno.
As far as the new someone in your life.... I think they would be delighted to read this blog. And I think you should share it. For shiz!!!
I felt the same way when David and I first started dating. I really, really didn't want to jinx things.
I too struggle with the fine line of sharing too much or too little. Case in point: My baby making struggles which have come to a screeching halt! Should I have been so open?
I don't know what the right balance is but I know how much your readers/friends love you and we all would welcome the opportunity to hear/read what is REALLY on your mind! If someone doesn't like what they read, screw them!
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