Vegas Translations

I know I promised to explain some of the things that were said in Vegas, and I have yet to do that, so my New Year's gift to y'all, is a set of translations that will hopefully make you laugh your asses off. Sorry, it's kinda long, but that's just more for y'all to enjoy!

"You can't turn yellow on a red." - Noelle said this as we were sitting in the sexy minivan waiting to turn right at an intersection. There was a light and you weren't able to make a right hand turn on a red light. Hence, what came out of Noelle's mouth... just a little jumbled.

"Rectal/vaginal incontinence" - These were phrases coined by Holly. Rectal incontinence was said in relation to having to go to the bathroom and not being able to hold it. I can't remember what the vaginal incontinence was in relation to, but I'm thinking it was something that is better left undiscussed.

"Hey look, I can see the California border/St. George Temple/Mexico..." This was said by multiple members of our party in regards to the distance we drove to Lee's Liquor to get cheap booze. They have no faith, I tell ya.

"Oooh and we can get a christmas tree?" - On the drive to Lee's Liquor, we passed a lot of Christmas trees and I believe Auri pointed it out. Odum followed that up with the phrase documented above.

"Liquor? You lick her, you brought her!" - We know this is an old one, but a favorite of Auri's, thus, it was said on the way to the liquor store.

"I love palm trees! I just want to be surrounded by them!" - Another one of Odum's funny one-liners. I've heard him say this before, so I didn't think it was that funny... apparently it was because the rest of the group was laughing. "Oh my life!!" - Again, another one of Odum's famous sayings. This time he said it after I flipped a bitch on the strip and then swung around into the liquor store parking lot. Granted, I was probably going a little too fast and the van was weighed down with the seven of our asses and all our luggage.

"And no discounts for cash...Fucker!" - Holly said this one, but I honestly can't remember what it was in reference to. I know it was after we went to the liquor store and paid cash for discounted liquor, so it had to be somewhere between the liquor store and the hotel? I'm sure someone will correct me after reading this... hint hint hint...

"Jazz Wings" - Ok, visualize with me... an airplane, and it's wings. You know how the ends of the wings are flipped up? Well, we decided to name them Jazz Wings because they're gay. I'm not being bigoted, just listen to the rest of the explanation. As we were driving back from the liquor store (on the way to the hotel) the six hooligans in the back (including one gay man) somehow got on the subject of some person walking down the road being gay. Auri got pissed (jokingly) and wanted to know what the hell made everyone a freakin' authority on what/who is gay or not. So, for the rest of the drive (until Holly said she was crowning) everything we saw was labeled as "gay." (That woman is gay because she's wearing a pink coat. That car is gay because it has a big trunk. That palm tree is not gay because it was leaning over, as in, not erect.) As we passed the airport, we happened to notice all the planes' wings, and said they must be gay because they have Jazz Wings (reference: Jazz Hands from the movie "Bring It On")!

That's it, I'm fully dilated and crowning...let's get this shit on the road!! - This was not shouted out because she was in labor.... she had to get to the potty, if ya know what I mean...

"She's gonna sneeze out a noodle." Lisa was eating chicken noodle soup and somehow got a noodle stuck in her esophagus between her nose and her mouth. Yeah, not sure how that happened, but in trying to get it out, we were all cracking up, and Holly said it.

"They were sexually fucking..." - This was one that I came up with. I meant to say they were emotionally fucking, but the other one came out. I'm thinking that was a Freudian slip. I've been bound by the laws of HLP'edness and cannot disclose more than that.

"I think I just came in my pants." - This was said by Odum and may have been in response to my above quote. Although, if I remember correctly, he said it more than once that weekend, so we'll need some clarification.

Auri: I just peed. Me: Just now? Auri and I were lying in bed on Sunday morning, after our first night of debauchery and we were chatting. She said, "I just peed," (as in, in the bathroom) and I asked, "Just now?" (as in, in the bed).

(Disclaimer: Read this last section at your own risk... I mean no disrespect to anyone who is Mormon, or who doesn't "manscape").

"Mogina" - Oh, the mogina. The mogina has brought us much laughter in the last three weeks. Someone in the group asked Auri if she ever had strange things happen at her job or if things ever got weird (she's a labor and deliver RN). I won't go into details about all of the discussion because it wasn't all exciting. Auri pointed out how cute the Mormon housewives are when they come in and they either don't trim, or haven't gotten around to trimming the bushes in a very long time. (The fact that they're 9+ months pregnant may have something to do with it). So, after much discussion, we came up with a name for this look regarding the lady parts... Mogina.

Keep in mind, there are a lot of other nicknames for things/people to do with the Mormon Church. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir is sometime referred to as the MoTab. A very prim and proper girl is sometimes referred to as a Molly Mormon, or a Molly Mo. I guess what I'm getting at for those of you who are unfamiliar, is the fact that Mo is the shortened version of Mormon and can be combined with other words to describe a particular person, place, or thing!

Well, there you have it... I hope you've enjoyed the translations, and please don't send me hate mail. The remaining posts for the evening of Day Two and all of Day Three are yet to come.